I’ve made plenty of promises on this site.
Big goals. Fresh starts. Declarations that this time would be different.
I believed myself every time.
I’ll spare everyone another one.
The reality is simple: I’ve got a big hole to climb out of.
I’ll be 30 in a few months and I’m living a life that I never thought I would.
- I am lucky enough to have a wholesome family life and we’ve got our second baby due in 6 weeks. But that joy is undermined by the constant shame I feel for not providing them with the life that I want to.
- I’m still working in retail at the same company I’ve worked at since I was 16. I’ve gone full-time this year (in an Assistant Manager position) after finally facing the reality of my failed other ventures – but I still make fuck all.
- I’m in debt, I’ve made poor investment decisions – not selling for profit, holding too long, and occasional desperate gambles – but I don’t tell anyone how tight the finances really are.
- I’m the fattest I’ve ever been. Despite a lifetime of longing for an aesthetic physique in spite of my skinny-fat genetics, I’ve put on over 10kgs this year and ballooned out to 107kg (I’m 6″2). I guess there are plenty of calories in alcohol…. Constant high cortisol and lack of sleep don’t help either..
- Perhaps the biggest kick in the teeth, in spite of everything else, is that after 10 years of misery, countless doctors, naturopaths, nutritionists and online research – I still feel like shit all the time. With fatigue, brain fog and exhaustion so bad that half the time I’m convinced I must surely be dying of some unknown ailment.
I’ve suffered from crippling anxiety and functional depression my whole life. And with the dissatisfaction of my life, the weight of financial failure, my poor health and cognition, and my fat ass, it’s safe to say that I’m drowning a bit (or a lot). Nobody knows and nobody needs to – I’m not here for attention or validation. I just want to document the turning around of my life and hopefully take others along with me.
The climb begins…
